Whether you are an individual just trying to change the way you think about yourself or conquer some fears, or you are a coach trying to help people use your work to change circumstances, we all know that this elusive concept of self-permission is hard!
How many times have you heard someone say “you just have to give yourself permission,” or “once I gave myself permission I was able to make it all happen”?
And you just want to scream, or cry really depending on the day, but what is it? How did you do it?
“You just have to believe in yourself.” AHHHHHHHHHRRRRRR
“You just have to know you are worth it.” UGGGGHHHHHHHH
“You just have to Love yourself.” GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR
What people aren't doing a good job of saying in these moment is that self-belief and worthiness underlie success. The possession of these characteristics is a difficult issue for many people, women in particular. There can be so many layers to the reasons you might not have a full tank of either. When you have enough self-belief and sense of worthiness you are more resilient and capable of taking different kinds of chances from that place. Action and boundaries thrive here. And they are key traits involved in achieving what you set out to do. In contrast procrastination, perfectionism, indecision, and over-serving, are all signals that it’s time to fill up the self-belief and worthiness tanks before proceeding.
Sometimes you might be able to hit a magical spot where you can internally agree that you do believe in yourself, that you do love yourself, and you are worthy instantly. Wonderful! But I’m here to help when that’s not the case.
Whether you want the permission for yourself or someone else, most of the time in order to top up our beliefs there needs to be a whole bunch of small deposits. Most of us don’t go from self-loathing to self-love without many, many gestures and micro-decisions along the route. Micro-decisions are like deciding ‘You don’t have to hate your thighs because they touch,’ or remembering to smile at yourself in the mirror, or finding that one thing to be grateful for right now. Even the smallest of these actions is a deposit in your tank. The faster the result you want, the more of them you need to do.
When you can’t move forward, the first step is to set some stuff down.
It’s always easier to start with what not to do. There are so many more of them! When we strike down even the tiniest or silliest ‘have to’ or ‘should’ we are making a small decision that both opens some breathing space and makes a deposit in our trust in and love for ourselves.
Grab your copy of A Little Book of Permission and randomly run through a page. (or grab a copy here). Write some "you don’t have to’s" that are personal to you. Every decision that you make from your own place of sovereignty over what you are required or choose to do makes a deposit in your tank of self-belief and worthiness. Make as many as you can!
Share some of your new "you don’t have to’s" with us on Facebook or Instagram with the hashtag #youdonthaveto and we’ll pass them on to help inspire others (but you don’t have to).
I’ll be going into depth on self-permission in my new courses for coaches to help their clients tackle permission and individuals wanting to go deeper into the concept and tools.
Watch out for an introductory offer coming soon!